PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
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I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.