realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
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I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.