BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
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you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.