My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
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9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
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8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs