The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
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If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan