When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
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BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.