“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
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[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Me My dog
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week