If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
You Might Also Like
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.