You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Banking tips
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”