When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
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Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.