[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
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Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.