I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
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MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project