Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
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Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
pictures of spider-man
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.