[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
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I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.