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business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe