A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
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Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
cats when you pet them too long:
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.