[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
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Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
But is it really??
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.