good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
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No-one: I can hear screaming
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Husband of the year 😂
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”