I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
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Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
December birthdays be like…
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol