The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
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I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad