Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
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Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
two people or more is called a problem
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.