Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
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coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Catercrombie & Fish
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Good point.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS