Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
You Might Also Like
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.