Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
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“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS