3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
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There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most