*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Saw online –
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
😂😂
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”