6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
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[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.