Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
You Might Also Like
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
There’s only one good girl here!
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us