Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
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At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he鈥檒l never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 馃挍.
Please don鈥檛 block me 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were鈥攏ow get this鈥攖rained鈥y鈥鈥oberman.
I took 2 inches off my daughter鈥檚 Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you鈥檇 think I just shaved her head for the army.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
repaired
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 饾樀饾槱饾槮饾槸 exterminate all human life.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn鈥檛 see him
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it鈥檚 called strategy
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you鈥檙e living in this house you鈥檒l crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!