[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
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People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
i鈥檓 pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I鈥檓 not saying I鈥檓 drunk but I鈥檓 having trouble working out if you鈥檙e quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
This will never not be funny 馃槶
friend: don鈥檛 worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don鈥檛 worry I鈥檝e got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Hmm, not sure about this change
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I鈥檓 after you now.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
What level of petty is it when your father won鈥檛 let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?