People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
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Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.