“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
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Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Still a very good boi….
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.