French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
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*limbos under the caution tape
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
This why you should mind your business
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”