Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
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H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Plumber: I think I found the problem