In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
You Might Also Like
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
No, I don’t think I will.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.