FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
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Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…