Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
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It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Yup
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
And that about sums it up.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.