There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
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20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips