AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
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Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”