Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
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[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?