get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
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[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Those are good neighbors.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’