[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
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“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.