Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
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Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Ferrari squats
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…