Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
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[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that