My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
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her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”