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Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order