I saw nothing
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I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
drew a comic about my origin story
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
If you鈥檙e wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can鈥檛.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 馃槉
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
*ernest hemingway voice*
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I鈥檝e ever done
Well, it鈥檚 finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.