When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
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i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package