I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
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Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
this is the best interaction on twitter
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.