Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
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ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Who knew!
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product